Friday, April 18, 2008

Death By Starbucks

While driving home to the San Diego area today... (two big interviews up in L.A., but I have no idea how well I did)... I decided, while suffering from an overly-full bladder, to pull off the I-5 in San Juan Capistrano around 8 PM to use a restroom. I find a Starbucks and decide, "This will be a lovely place to order a refreshing beverage for the remainder of my voyage homeward before making use of their lovely, private, and always-clean facilities!"

So I walk in and step up to the counter. No line! Wonderful! The nice young lady takes my order and I request "a grande Green Tea Frappuccino, please!" The girl collects my three dollars and eighty cents (well spent, I assure you) and I then proceeded to venture toward the back of the cafe in search of the wash room.

As predicted, I find the restroom to be in tip-top shape.  Good ol' corporate dictatorship in action!  I love it!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..........................." Ah, sweet relief.

At this point, I zip up, flush, "wash hands thoroughly before returning to work", and exit the latrine.  And just in time! I notice that the barista  - a young man in a green Starbucks visor (although the sun has gone down some time ago) - is almost done preparing my drink! 

I step up to the counter just in time for him to ask me, "Would you like whipped cream on that?"

"Sure!" I reply.

He piles it high with fresh whipped cream and pops the clear plastic dome lid on top and then, with a broad smile, gives me this very interesting warning:

"Careful! It's dangerously delicious!"

I chuckle audibly at this ridiculous statement and inquire, "Do they MAKE you say that?" He assured me that they do not, so I just smiled, thanked both the people behind the counter, poked a straw into the lid and stepped out of the building.

But just as I was about to take my first step in the dark, deserted Starbucks San Juan Capistrano parking lot, a notion struck me blind.

"What if the barista's statement wasn't simply a cute slogan, but in fact a legally responsible warning?"

Now, I've enjoyed many Green Tea Frappuccinos at various Starbucks locations before, but could it be true that this particular drink, from this particular location, was actually more delicious than the others? Could it even be overly delicious? Even DANGEROUSLY delicious?

My heart began to palpitate as my mind battled with itself over the benefits of enjoying the sweet "adult-Slurpee" known as the Green Tea Frappuccino and committing a delicious suicide, or even any bodily injury so as to avoid letting $3.80 go to waste. I tried to calm myself and even commenced with some meditative practices upon which I've recently picked up. (Thanks, Mr. Tolle!) But, in the end, I would have to make my move and separate the men from the boys.

I stood in the parking lot for another 25 minutes before collecting the courage to take that first sip. By then, the intended frosty texture had melted to a creamy liquid from the equalization of temperature caused by the direct contact with my palm which held the drink all that time. But otherwise, it was of average deliciousness.

Sometimes I worry too much.



Brad said...


Doug Cox said...

I would say they are marvelously mediocre. And I say that without ever attempting alliteration... it just happened... Did that blow your mind?

Mike Wood said...

I mean, they are kinda just GOOD... that's why the inappropriate comment put me off so. I was scared, man!