Friday, July 11, 2008


I laid awake in my bed last night for hours. I had accidentally conceived of the most amazing Battle Royale one could ever hope to see - a "To-The-Death" Cage Match featuring the greatest C-list cartoon characters of the 20th Century! I still have no idea who would win out of these folks, (eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion,) so you'll have to decide in my NEW POLL!

Here's the line up:

RIFF RAFF - "The Junkyard Cat!"

In the 2nd-half of the Heathcliff The Cat cartoon, Riff Raff was "a short, tough, streetwise alley cat whose main residence was one-half of an old transport plane which stood precariously at the top of a pile of junk overlooking the yard." (

He had a sexy feline girlfriend named "Cleo" - and the odd pairing always made me think a little bit of how Kevin Arnold (of The Wonder Years) managed to snag Winnie Cooper.

STRENGTHS: Pimp cane, street smarts, sassy mouth.
WEAKNESSES: Blue scarf, small stature, he's a cat.

INSPECTOR GADGET - "The Mechanical Maniac!"

Inspector Gadget is a "clumsy, absent-minded and oblivious detective... who is a human being with various bionic 'gadgets' built into his anatomy." (

Based on the Mel Books/Buck Henry TV comedy, Get Smart!, of the 1960s - and specifically on Don Adams' Maxwell Smart character - Inspector Gadget introduced a whole new generation to the magical world of mystery and detection, so that they'd be prepared to shell out hundreds of thousands of dollars for CSI DVDs someday down the road.

STRENGTHS: Just about every mechanical, handy-dandy little add-on you can think of.
WEAKNESSES: He's an idiot, His niece - Penny - and her dog - Brain - always solved all the crimes for him, anyway. (And they can't help him in the cage!)

MR. MAGOO - "The Blind Battering Ram!"

"Voiced by Jim Backus (also famed in popular culture for his role as Thurston Howell III in the 1960s sitcom Gilligan's Island), Quincy Magoo is a wealthy, short-statured retiree who gets into a series of sticky situations as a result of his nearsightedness, or latentmyopia, compounded by his stubborn refusal to admit the problem." (

Mr. Magoo was funny because he couldn't see - he taught us all how to laugh at other people's physical and optical handicaps. He once put a pot roast down for a nap and then put a baby in the oven for 4 hours.

STRENGTHS: Speed, agility, super-human hearing abilities.
WEAKNESSES: Blind, and has some bladder-control issues.

CAP'N CRUNCH - "The Crunchable!"

Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, aka Cap'n Crunch, is one bad mutha! "In 1963, the first Cap’n Crunch commercials aired, featuring four children and the canine Sea Dog, who sailed with the Cap’n on his ship, The Good Ship Guppy. The crew was tasked with keeping the cereal safe from the Cap’n’s nemesis, Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate. The characters also appeared in a comic book included in Cap’n Crunch cereal boxes." (

He'll "Crunch-a-tize" your breakast for sure! But he'll also cut you to ribbons if you look at him the wrong way.

STRENGTHS: Swashbuckling, Sea-Faring, and some serious Crunch Berries.
WEAKNESSES: An infectious (but less-than-terrifying) giggle, and a bit of a pot belly.

That Striped Ewok - "Logray the Destroyer"

"Logray was the head shaman for the Ewok tribe who lived in Bright Tree Village. He was tall for an Ewok, with tan-striped fur. Logray often wore a headdress decorated with feathers, beads, and a largechuri bird skull. He carried a staff decorated with the spinal bones of a defeated enemy." (-Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki)

With great honor, Logray and the rest of the Ewoks helped the Great Rebellion battle and defeat the evil Galactic Empire (on their home planet, a moon called "Endor") in Star Wars - Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.

Although, technically not a cartoon character, Logray was a prominent character in the Ewoks cartoon show of the mid 1980s. So, he still counts.

STRENGTHS: Wisdom, Spirituality, a big stick.
WEAKNESSES: Kinda short, no pants... and very, very cuddly. (He also can't stay mad at anyone for very long.)

Dennis Kucinich - "The Ohio Ankle-Biter!"

Washington's favorite cartoon character (perhaps a close second behind Ol' Billy-Bear Clinton), Dennis Kucinich is "a Democratic member of the United States House of Representatives and was a candidate for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States in the 2004 and 2008 elections." (

His wacky adventures have taken him all across the United States and made him a comical yet necessary addition to the U.S. Congress. His goofy demeanor and hippie values can teach us all how to love or even how to hate - depending on which side of the fence you tend to tread.

STRENGTHS: Political powers, huge ears, hot wife.
WEAKNESSES: Short, ugly, weak, lame, annoying, ugly, stupid, goofy and ugly.

SO GO VOTE! Tell me who will win this most awesome of CAGE MATCHES! The vote ends on Friday the 18th.


Brad said...

1st Lets eliminate Gadget and Kucinich - Gadget will accidentally knot his arms around a bar of the cage and no way does cap'n crunch leave an exposed gadget with a head. Kucinich is clearly a lover and not a fighter.

I see Logray mistaking Riff Raff for an Ewok from a different tribe and make a pact with him - they will naturally gang up on the Cap'n (as he has a weapon) and kill him.

Right after the Cap'n sails nolonger Riff Raff will take that chance and double cross Logray and they will start a hell of a fight (imagine one of those cartoon fights where it is a ball of dirt being kicked up and an occasional appendage (or spine stick) sticking out. I think Logray comes out, but he will be terribly hurt.

Magoo will of course think he is at some kind of party and while trying to figure out what the bars are he'll manage to dislodge one and impale the Logray, winning the death match.

Mike Wood said...

What's a "spine stick"?

Brad said...

"He carried a staff decorated with the spinal bones of a defeated enemy"

Mike Wood said...

oh ya - that.

Mike Wood said...

I think your analysis is insightful and well thought out - but what you haven't considered is that Cleo - Riff Raff's hot-ass feline girlfriend - will be in the corner distracting everyone... everyone, that is, except Mr. Magoo. So, I guess he wins anyway.

Brad said...

She's a cat you sick bastard

Mike Wood said...

Oh, wait - did I say Cleo? Riff-Raff's girlfriend? I mean't Kucinich's wife, Elizabeth! Yeah, her!