Sunday, July 6, 2008

RISE OF THE GRAMMAR NAZI

To my dearest readers,  

I wish it to be known that my friend, The Grammar Nazi, has written the following post, and not I, Michael Wood; I'm not judgmental like that.  You can say things however you want around me.  I don't care.  I like you just the way you are.

The Grammar Nazi, however, insisted that I use my Blog to let him say a few words about his opinions on the modern use of the English language.

Mike's Brain Leak will continue with our regularly-scheduled blog after this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guten Tag, everyone!  Grammar Nazi here!

I've noticed something about Americans recently: YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!

Although, for most of you it is the only language of which you have any knowledge at all, almost none of you seem to have any idea
how to correctly speak the English language. (And I'm not even going to start about how you write it out! Good Lord!  How do you live with yourselves?)

That's not to say that you don't get it mostly right. But the parts where you screw up are pretty bad.  Maybe no one's been telling you, but you sound like complete morons when you say such stupid things out loud with a straight face - as though you have no idea that what you just said was completely idiotic. But, I assure you, it was.

And here's what I've decided to do about it: I'm going to teach you all... NOW!

This is the first of what will be an on-going lesson on the proper use of everyday English terms and phrases.

The first three lessons shall henceforth be referred to as "THE STEWIE GRIFFIN LAWS", in honor of the proclamations made by one Stewart Gilligan Griffin in his address to the world, announcing his new laws as Overlord. (See clip below.)


Lesson #1: "Irregardless"

The oft-uttered word "irregardless" is, in fact, NOT A WORD.  So stop saying it! 

The terms you may be looking for are "disregard", "regardless" or "irrespective".  Yes, you will find "irregardless" in some dictionaries, but only because so many of you are such idiots -- and say the word so freakin' much! -- that they had to put it in the dictionary to clarify that you are, indeed, a complete moron!

For example, from Dictionary.com. . . 

ir·re·gard·less [ir-i-gahrd-lis]

–adverb Nonstandard.

[Origin: 1910–15; ir-2 (prob. after irrespective) + regardless]

 Usage note: Irregardless is considered nonstandard because of the two negative elements ir- and -less. It was probably formed on the analogy of such words as irrespective, irrelevant, and irreparable. Those who use it, including on occasion educated speakers, may do so from a desire to add emphasis. Irregardless first appeared in the early 20th century and was perhaps popularized by its use in a comic radio program of the 1930s.  

You see, stupid?  It was a JOKE back in the THIRTIES!  And you still haven't figured out the PUNCHLINE!  That means the joke is on you!

Lesson #2: "A Whole Nother"

Again - NOT correct!

"A"?  That's a word.  "Whole"?  Also a word!  "Nother"?  NOT A WORD!

Now, I know that you're used to saying the word "another" - but what you need to realize is that this word is actually made of two different words - "a" and "other".  And since "other" begins with a vowel-sound - "o", pronounced "uh" - we must turn the preceding "a" into "an".  So, in reality, "another" is made of "an" and "other".  There's a simple equation for this:

(An + Other) = Another

Now, if you must designate the completeness of the object to which "other" refers, stating that it is indeed "whole", you can do this.  We will simply interject the quantifying word "whole" into the left side of the equation between "an" and "other".  However, since the word "whole" does NOT begin with a vowel-sound, ("whole" starts with a hard "h" sound... "huh",) the preceding "an" can once more be regressed back to a simple "a".  This makes the new term, spoken correctly: "A whole other" - as in "That's a whole other ball of wax!"  Not "A whole nother," you idiot!

Lesson #3 - "All The Sudden"

This one might seem tricky, but it's not that hard.  The term is actually "ALL OF A SUDDEN" - which is synonymous with the term "suddenly," meaning "to happen instantly".  But because you cattle simply repeat what you think you hear -- without any question of logic to that which comes out of your mouth -- you hear someone saying "all of a", running the words together quickly and sounding something like "all the".  

So, to be fair, maybe this is the fault of people like myself not annunciating clearly enough.  But at the same time, read a book, moron!  Only idiots on the Internet write "all the sudden" - but in any professionally edited book, magazine, newspaper, pamphlet, label or any other publication, you will never see the words "all the sudden" to explain something happening quickly.  That's just you being an idiot.

As "AndyS" stated on November 14th, 2005, in a response to the question, "Is it regional to use 'all of a sudden' versus 'all the sudden?'" (which, by the way, is an improper use of the term "versus", and a terribly phrased question) on PainInTheEnglish.com:

"All the sudden" is a mistake. It is a result of laziness; that is, people hear "all of a sudden" spoken, and it sounds like "all the sudden" so they assume that's what it is. These people, who, in my experience, live in the Midwest, apparently do not read much.

So there you have it.  Don't do it again, okay?

Ach du lieber! That's all I have time for today!  But I shall return! Auf wiedersehen!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, guys.  I know he can be a bit pushy but he means well.  He's actually a pretty cool guy.  He's really just looking out for all your best interests.  And he intends for you to be perfect, eventually. . .  even if he has to make you that way himself.  (His words, not mine.)

Later!

Mike

3 comments:

Katie said...

Nice (stolen) rant, and nice ability to become so passionate about someone ELSE'S rant for that matter:P
Now can we discuss some real problems, like "Valentimes" or "Oldtimers Disease" or even "Alltimers?" Those things makes me nuts.

Mike Wood said...

I'll pass the note on to the Furor for you. I'm sure he'll take it into consideration.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I have heard the phrase "all the sudden" used before, but I like your message.
What caught my attention was your misuse of the reflexive pronoun 'myself' in your statement: "So, to be fair, maybe this is the fault of people like myself not annunciating clearly enough."
You should have used 'people like me,' rather. The use of 'myself' as an objective case pronoun has become so commonplace that it drives me crazy!