Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hitler's 3rd Birthday

Okay, so... this is a TRUE story.

There's this family in New Jersey with three kids - The Campbells. And it's the oldest one's birthday. So the Dad - Heath Campbell - goes to the local ShopRite to get a cake with his son's name on it. Only the store refuses to decorate the cake with the kid's name on it. Now, why the hell would a cake company refuse to put the name of a 3-year old boy on his birthday cake? What kind of cruel, inhumane, utterly sadistic bakery would refuse to do that? And what possible reason could they have? What, I ask you? WHAT?

The kid's name is Adolf Hitler Campbell.

And I'm not making this up. This is real. Adolf Hitler Campbell.

As you may have guessed, Heath and his wife, Deborah Campbell, are ignorant, white trash, stupid, child-abusing, racist bastards. They have another kid named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. Seriously. "Aryan Nation" is in the child's name. ("JoyceLynn" isn't a name, either!)

From "Mr. Campbell, who has swastikas decorating the family home and believes he is related to a former member of the SS, agrees that the Nazi’s were not a highly charitable bunch: 'Yeah, (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They’re not going to grow up like that.'”

Other fun quotes from Mr. Campbell include:
  • "I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past."

  • "There's a new president and he says it's time for a change; well, then it's time for a change."

  • "They need to accept a name. A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what Hitler did."

  • "Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That's fine, I don't really care. That's his choice."

  • In reference to the several children of mixed race who came to young Adolf's birthday party, Mr. Campbell said, "If we're so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?"

And, when asked what the f**k they were thinking when he and his wife, Deborah, named their child after history's greatest monster, Mr. Campbell commented with a brilliant sense of logic, "no one else in the world would have that name." He sounded surprised by all the controversy the dispute had generated.

Their youngest child is named "Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell." He was trying to name her after one of Hitler's right hand men, Heinrich Himmler, but he was too stupid to look up how it was actually spelled.

Oh, but don't worry. Little Adolf got his cake. All that took was a trip to the bakery at the local Wal-Mart. That's right: cakes for Hitler, but no Dixie Chicks albums!

Okay, now... if I have to voice an opinion on this one, here's my take:
  1. It's wrong to name your kid after Hitler, Himmel, or to just name her "Aryan Nation". Very wrong. You're a bad person if you do this, or any variation of this action.

  2. It is well within the rights of a big-box retail store to deny a certain type of service if there is a legitimate argument for deeming the request for said service "inappropriate".

  3. It is well within the rights of another big-box retailer to grant the same request.

  4. It is within the rights of an American family - no matter how stupid and twisted - to name their children after some of human history's most sinister and evil madmen.

  5. All of these are true and fair because this is America. America is a free country, and along with all the beauty of freedom comes this. This is the ugliness of freedom. And in the end, it's still worth it.

But guess what, Deborah and Heath Campbell! America also enjoys the Freedom of the Press! So, happy birthday, kid! You're parents are on the news!

God bless America.

P.S. Not to give the plot away, but Tom Cruise totally tries to kill this kid in his new movie, Valkyrie.


Cris Cohen said...

What if they softened his name by adding "Lucifer" to it?

Makonnen said...


E said...

I think JoyceLynne Aryan Nation sounds pretty.

Your favorite cousin from Oakland said...

How are THEY the sperm that won the race?