Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Rock and Roll in Retrospect - The 2000s

Is it just me? Or has this decade been pretty much terrible for Rock and Roll? I feel like, for the first time since its inception in the 1950s, Rock N' Roll has failed to produce anything truly revolutionary to define this decade.

Cases in point:

The 1950s saw the birth of rockabilly, and that classic 50's be-bop kind of rock that started it all. Elvis Prestly, Fats Domino, Chubby Checker, The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly, Bill Haley and His Comets, Ritchie Valens, The Dave Clark Five and the like - the originators of the sound that would forever go on to be called Rock and Roll.

The 1960s saw... well, The freakin' Beatles! But also acts like The Rolling Stones, The Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, The Velvet Underground, The Doors and Jimi Hendrix. These artists paved the way for the Free Love, Psychedelic, Hippie rock that would lead to the decade's swan song concert experience, "Woodstock".

The 1970s saw the rise of acts like Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Van Halen, The Eagles, James Taylor, Queen, Elton John, Billy Joel, and Pink Floyd. New brands of music came into being, like Funk, Disco and Motown.

The 1980s saw the rise of New Wave, The New Romantics and Synth Pop. Michael Jackson, U2 and Madonna rules the airwaves, while young metal acts like Metallica and Megadeth also paved the way for thousands of future "metal" bands. And in between were the 80s hair-metal bands like Poison, Bon Jovi, and Motley Crue.

And the 1990s gave us Grunge and Alt-Rock! Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins... and the post-grunge era with Everclear, Live, Beck, No Doubt, Counting Crows, Ben Folds Five and Garbage. There was also quite the British invasion with bands like Oasis, Radiohead, and Blur.

But now... as we are about to close out the first decade of the new millennium, what have the 2000s given us? If I had to name something that happened for rock in this span of time, I would have to say that Indie Rock has had the best years here. Perhaps this is due to the ravaging of the giant record publishing companies at the hands of the Internet and programs like Napster and other Peer-To-Peer file sharing programs that gave millions of young people access to free music, legally or otherwise. And in the aftermath, up came the sounds of indie labels who had never had a towering infrastructure to begin with, and therefore did not crumble in the face of emerging technology. Successful Indie Rock bands might include Jet, The Libertines, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party, The Strokes, Kings of Leon, The White Stripes, Snow Patrol and Interpol.

Still, many bands had an amazing decade. Acts like Coldplay and Linkin Park raked in their millions along side old arena staples like U2, Bon Jovi, The Rolling Stones and Madonna.

Nickelback, Creed, Foo Fighters, Hinder, Seether and 3 Doors Down all seemed to continue to carry the dying flame of post-grunge alt-rock into the new decade, with varying success. Green Day arguable led one of the only real revolutions - that of the Pop Punk movement (or what I would call Bubble-Gum Punk) - with newcomers Blink-182, Yellowcard, All Time Low, Hit the Lights, and Every Avenue forging ahead. The other major movement could be called Emo Rock - categorized for its whiny, confessional, melodramatic lyrics and vocals. Emo bands that really "made it" this decade include Dashboard Confessional, Hawthorne Heights, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, 30 Seconds To Mars and The Plain White Tees.

Nu-Metal, a leftover afterthought from the late 1990s, saw a rise in popularity with bands like Evanescence, Linkin Park, System of a Down, Staind, Papa Roach, and Disturbed, although in my opinion, it never fully materialized with any bands that could be called the true leaders and definers of this sound. An odd blend of New Wave/post-punk/synth pop emerged in the later years of the decade with acts like Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, The Bravery, Bloc Party, Metro Station, Justice, The Veronicas, Lights, The Postal Service, Kasabian, Hellogoodbye, Owl City, and MGMT. And I won't even get into the dark and bloody mess that is "Metalcore" or "Post-Hardcore".

This is all excluding the terrible pop acts (Britney Spears, N'SYNC, The Jonas Brothers, Avril Levine, Ashlee Simpson, etc.) and the uproarious swell of popularity in Hip-Hop/Rap/R&B acts (Eminem, OutKast, T.I., Kanye West, Ja Rule, The Game, 50 Cent, Nas, Jay-Z, DMX, Missy Elliott, Lil Wayne, Young Jeezy, Ludacris, Rick Ross, etc.) Hip-Hop/R&B was undoubtedly the winner in the music industry this decade.

But what, then, did the 2000s do or Rock and Roll? Sure, I was able to mention about a hundred acts that made some waves over the past 10 years, but what did it all amount to? Nothing, in my opinion. It was all very, very derivitive of the major steps in rock that were taken many years before. Most of it was based on the major acts of the 90s - rock didn't actually change all that much... it just kind of echoed into the future. For the first time ever, I feel, there is no clear and obvious statement being made in rock and roll for this decade's new generation of musicians.

I don't know what that means exactly. Maybe, if anything, it's a statement in and of itself, that this generation doesn't know what to say. The don't know who or what they are or where they're headed. In a post-9/11 world, they don't know how to define themselves at all. Perhaps all this muddled composition of styles is exactly an expression of that sentiment - of fear, loss of faith and of identity crisis. And, in my opinion, this statement taken from a Wikipedia page says it all; "New York City, once the leading market for the format, has no modern rock station as of mid-2009."

Overall, I'd say the best rock and roll acts to come out of the new millennium are easy to spot, and if I had to call them, I'd say it was these acts:

Coldplay
The White Stripes
The Killers
Fall Out Boy
Linkin Park
Muse
and Keane

(I'd also have to throw John Mayer in there for his amazing blues chops)

Here's to hoping that the 2010s will see a revival and a new revolution in rock music that the whole world can get behind.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Saddest Movie Moments

For absolutely no reason in particular, I've decided that I've reached the point in my life when I must take a few minutes to decide what I think are the ten saddest moments in movie history. Of course, this list is subject to limitations based on what I have and have not seen. And I'll be honest, I'm just not even going to consider Schindler's List - it's not fair to the other contenders. The whole movie is miserably sad - I could never pick just one part.

So here we go. Tell me what you think.

10. DUMBO - 'Mad Elephant'


9. CASABLANCA - "Here's lookin' at you, kid."


8. I AM LEGEND - "Every little thing's gonna be alright."
(Embedding was disabled, so just click here.)
7. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: A.I. - "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the world."


6. BAMBI - 'Bambi's Mother'


5. THE NEVR-ENDING STORY - 'The Swamps of Sadness'

4. SOMETIMES A GREAT NATION - 'Loggers'


3. THE GREEN MILE - "Killing What They Love"

2. E.T. - "I'll be right here."


1. CAST AWAY - "Wilson, I'm sorry!"

Monday, August 24, 2009

Facebook Is Killing My Blog

Ever since Facebook reared its attractively ugly head, the frequency with which I create new blog posts has dropped considerably. Apparently, I have neither the time nor the inclination to write out a dozen paragraphs about anything anymore - not now that I've learned to express my thoughts in short bursts and blurbs. Twitter has taught me how to do it in 140 charachters or less! For this, to all my many fans, I must apologize - even though you're probably all following me very closely on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, AIM, YahooMessenger, Linked In, and my many other venues of pointless communication.

I'm not sure why this is. I can be fairly long-winded when need-be and my assumption is that it's entertaining to you all. After all, you are reading this right now, aren't you? (GOTCHA!) But I think it has something to do with the fact that I get instant feedback from Facebook, and not so widespread or frequent feedback from Blogspot, even when I write really controversial blogs! Feedback seems to fuel the creation of opinionated ramblings more than the personal satisfaction of having a finished blog. It's the interaction that I seem to crave, and thus, Facebook has become my new drug. But if I could somehow fuse the two beyond the simple act of posting my blog posts in my Facebook status update section, then perhaps the craft of blogging may make a personal comeback in my online life. (Here's hoping that Facebook will create "Faceblogs" or something like that.)

Saturday, July 4, 2009

'Moneyball' Down The Drain

A friend of mine, Louis Pantelakos, Jr., shared with me today an article from a Los Angeles Times blog about the recently-eighty-sixed baseball movie, Moneyball, based on the best-selling book of the same name (Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game) by Michael M. Lewis, published in 2003.

News has been wide-spread of late about the plans to adapt the book - a story about Billy Beane, the Oakland Athletics baseball team's general manager, and his rebellious-yet-successful approach to the business of the game - into a feature film, starring Brad Pitt as Beane and directed by Steven Soderburgh (
Ocean's Eleven, Out Of Sight). But even more recently, the bombshell was dropped that Sony Pictures Entertainment - a mere 5 days before production was to begin in Arizona - pulled the plug on the $58 million project.

Louis sent me the article, which discusses the reasons behind Sony's unconventional cold feet, and asked me to tell him what I thought when I was done reading it. Here is my reply:

Honestly, I'm not a huge Soderburgh fan. Out of Sight was great and all, Sex, Lies & Videotape was too. But, well... he's just not really my kind of director. I think there are a lot of guys out there who could direct this flick, but with Pitt getting a deal of director approval in his contract, it may be hard to find anyone. But that's a great argument for the opinion that Sony may very well be better off without him, too.

I like the A's - that's all. I just want a movie to be made about my team - my classic early 2000's Oakland A's. I think almost any director worth his salt could make a good flick out of this seemingly terrific script. (Hopefully it will leak out on the Internet and we can at least read it someday.) Maybe Billy Beane would be better played by a smaller-scale star. I know that Pitt is a huge draw for the project, (he'll bring in millions that few others could,) but it wouldn't be impossible without him.

Who else could play Beane? Hmmm... I really like Sam Rockwell. Or perhaps Christian Bale could pull it off. (I'm thinking box-office draws here as much as I am performance - "curb appeal" is pretty important for a smaller flick like this.) I think even someone like Ryan Renolds could be good. You know who would be great and is getting really hot right now? Bradley Cooper! That guy would rock a role like this! Could make him a mega-star!

And as far as directors, I think almost anyone from Allen to Zemeckis could do a decent job with this flick. Hell, Ridley Scott did stuff like Matchstick Men - he could do it. So could Gore Verbinski with films like The Mexican and The Weather Man under his belt. And I loved the way Oliver Stone tackled football with Any Given Sunday - let him take a swing at baseball!

All I want to see is my home team's stadium - The Oakland Colosseum - immortalized in all its grime and glory on the big screen with a good story. I want to see that "Green & Gold" shining down at me, 30-feet high, and a chance to show my kids - someday - a good film about the glory days of their old man's favorite baseball club.
That's my two cents. Thanks for reading, and...

LET'S GO... OAKLAND! (BOOM! BOOM! BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

KING OF POP - In Memorium

On Thursday, June 25, 2008, the man who was my biggest childhood icon died a very sudden, yet-somehow-not-unexpected death. Michael Jackson was born a human being on August 29th, 1958. But somehow along his rise to stardom, he graduated from mere mortality and became not only "Bad" and "Dangerous," but "Invincible." Yesterday, the man died. But the image, the icon and the legend that is MICHAEL JACKSON will live forever.

I wanted to share with you a few of my favorite and most memerable Michael Jackson moments of my younger days, because it would seem that most of the saddness I feel today is actually a reflection of the part of my youth and innocence that died yesterday along with His Majesty. Here it goes:

1986 - Rollerskating to 'Thriller' in the garage with my sister and the girl next door, Catherine.

1991 - Riding bikes with my cousin, Brian Rafter, either in San Ramon or in Palo Alto, while syncing our “Dangerous” cassette albums on our Walkmans.

1992 - Playing basketball in Palo Alto with cousin Brian and some neighborhood guys while blasting MJ's "Jam" on the boombox, as inspired by the music video.

1991 - The Simpsons, Season 3 season premire, which aired on my 11th birthday, entitled "Stark Raving Dad," in which Michael Jackson visits Springfield... sort of. (Despite legal issues that forced Fox to credit the voice of the character as "John Jay Smith", Michael actually voiced the character himself, minus the singing parts.)

1992 - Dubbing a cassette tape with 'Bad' on one side and 'Dangerous' on the other with help from my other cousin, Kevin Rafter, on the same day that Brian and I got bad sunburns at a water park and came home and fell asleep for hours listening to both albums.

1987 - Buying the “Bad” album on cassette tape from the Stoneridge Mall with my dad a few days or weeks after it had been released. My dad offered to pop the tape in the car's cassette player and we listened to the opening track, "Bad", but I was too embarrased to continue playing the tape because I didn't want my dad to hear me listening to the slightly suggestive love song that is "The Way You Make Me Feel."

Circa 1986 - Trying to decipher some of the more confusing lyrics to the song 'Thriller' with my friend Jimmy in my backyard.

2001 - While at a Giant's game at Pac Bell Park (now AT&T Park), I heard "Wanna Be Startin' Something" blasting over the PA system, and for some reason, even though I'd heard it about 500 times before, it felt like it was the first time I'd ever heard the song. The crecendo at the end with the chorus of "Ma ma se ma ma sa ma ma cu sa!" blew me away. The same year, I saw Chris Tucker do an amazing MJ impression to the same song in Rush Hour 2, and I gained a whole new appreciation for the song.

1991 - Staying up late to watch the premiere of the new video for 'Black Or White' on Fox after The Simpsons.

1992 - Playing the 'Moonwalker' video game with my cousins Sean and Brian.

1989 - Watching the 'Moonwalker' movie for the first time with my friend down the street, Chad.

2003 - Jamming on the new (last) Michael Jackson album, “Invincible”, in college with my roommate, L.J.

1990 - Knowing in my heart, more than in my brain, that Michael Jackson was behind the brilliant single, "Do The Bartman" from "The Simpsons Sing The Blues" album.

1993 - Blasting the 'Off The Wall' album in my room with my cousin Brian as if we had always listened to disco albums.

My favorite memory, however, is not a single moment, but the countless hours I spent alone in my bedroom as a child; just me and my tape player; just me and my friend Michael. He kept me company for much of my youth through his music, his lyrics, his energy, his image, and - much deeper and most importantly - his "voice."

Thanks for all the good times, Michael. I'm really going to miss you.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My first PODCAST!

Look at this! I got to take part in my friend Morgan King's Arcbound Podcast today! We talk about all sorts of junk. Enjoy!

Click here to listen: PODCAST
(Or right-click and select "Save Target As" to download the file.)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

THE GREATEST FILM SEQUEL OF ALL TIME

THE DEBATE RAGES ON!

A recent Facebook post has sparked a bit of a debate, so... please vote (to the right) for your favorite sequel film of all time.

(note: To simplify the argument, I am defining "sequel" here - for our purposes - as the second movie in a series, and not the third, fourth, fifth, etc. And I'm only listing the movies I'm listing, so you gotta pick from that list.  Deal with it.)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

TintedChickenWindowFoots

It would seem that, in the great universe of rock n' roll, all things are balanced. For every 'Back In Black' by AC/DC, there will be a "Love Beach" by Emerson, Lake & Palmer. For every "Live at Leeds" or "Frampton Comes Alive", there will be a Christmas album by Amy Grant. And for every Eddie, Slash or Yngwie, there will be a Tiny Tim. The scales of justice always seem to hang at "six of one, a half-dozen of the other".

And, of course, there is no exception for... the supergroup!

Case in point:

Have you heard about this brilliant new conglomeration? This meeting of the masses? This monsters of rock reunion? They are drummer Chad Smith (Red Hot Chili Peppers), bassist Michael Anthony (Van Halen), guitar-virtuoso Joe Satriani, and on vocals, the Red Rocker himself, Sammy Hagar! The're loud! They're amazing! They're selling out shows and bringing down houses! They are...

CHICKENFOOT!!!

Long story short, they're pretty awesome. Loud and proud, everyone's at the top of their game, the recordings sound amazing - it's gonna be great! Check 'em out here - http://www.chickenfoot.us



So now that the scales have been tipped so far in the favor of awesomeness, what is it that invariably must occur?

TINTED WINDOWS

Get this...

On drums, the guy from Cheap Trick. On bass, some guy from some band called Fountains of Wayne (they thought your mom was hot), on guitar James Iha (lowering himself to this level from the once-great Smashing Pumpkins), and on vocals? You're not gonna believe this.... it's the middle kid from Hanson. Remember them? That band of prepubescent pop rockers who dared to try to do it without Disney's help (and were subsequently squashed by the Brittany/N'SYNC juggernauts)? Well don't worry - he's still just as lame.

I just thought it was interesting to watch the nature of rock run its course and keep the balance by producing this vacuum of maximum suckitude to reign in the awesomeness of the former band. The circle continues.

Thanks - g'night.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

"...And we're puttin' it on wax! It's the NEW STYLE!"

In the past few months, I've purchased three new albums - Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy, U2's No Line On The Horizon and Pearl Jam's re-issue and redux of their 1991 debut album Ten, known as "The Legacy Edition" - in a way I have rarely ever purchased any of the 450-plus albums in my collection; I bought these three on vinyl.

It's an evolution that few could have predicted, and yet it's a notion that large number of audiophiles have always agreed upon: vinyl records - or "LPs", as the old folks call 'em - are the way to go.

And now, seemingly out of the digital blue, the modern-day record stores, which come in the form of big-box retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy, are hocking the latest releases and some of the all-time great albums in the form of a big, shiny, black disc made of vinyl with one groove imprinted in a tightly-wound spiral from edge to center and charging roughly 20 bucks a pop. Along the valleys of this aforementioned microscopic groove are variations so slight and frequent that a special "needle" is required to run along the crevasse, reading each bump and wiggle and translating them all into electric pulses which are transformed into amplified sound waves pumped through a speaker system.

This system, my dear young ones, is what is known as an "analog signal". Vinyl records are a form of music recorded and played back through an analog sound signal. The word "analog" literally means "proportionate" - a "one-to-one" ratio of sound recorded to sound re-played. CDs and MP3s are digital recordings - crisp and clear, and safe from the dangers of dust scratches and warping to which vinyl have long been known to be susceptible. No binary code of ones and zeros can ever replace the exact replication of sound waves - digitization will always be an extra step in the recording process. And this is why the sound quality of a vinyl record is forever superior to any digital recording that can ever be made.

But the question that instantly arises in the year 2009, after more than 20 years of the Compact Disc as Format King in the realm of music duplication, is: "Why the hell would vinyl be making a comeback now?" And I have a theory or two about this. In fact, the acquiescence to this retro trend may have been triggered in me personally when two notions crossed my conscience's path at once.

The first of these was when I noticed how easy it has become to acquire music these days. I remember a fonder time when Tower Records was still a thing. In fact, somewhere around 1995, at the tender age of 14 years, I was so hungry for my own copy of a Dire Straights greatest hits album - if only to have "Sultans of Swing" on CD to play on my own stereo system any time I'd wish - that I, still a few years away from having my own car or a license, made a 10.4-mile roundtrip trek from my home to Tower Records in Dublin and back home again. I got the album I wanted, but I'd earned it! And the sound from that CD was all the more appreciated. That's what I and the entire post-Napster world have lost: music appreciation. The fact is, and may always remain, that I can log onto my computer and, within a matter of minutes and with the transaction of little to no of funds, I can have a digital MP3 file of generally any song in the realm of the popular music of the past 50 years. And that's the difference: a couple minutes in front of a computer versus an afternoon of hiking across city limits to obtain ownership of the music I want; it's just way too easy these days. I can no longer respect or appreciate naturally the music I acquire, and that is truly a shame.

And then I "acquired" a digital copy of a live, stand-up comedy album by screaming comedian Lewis Black (of The Daily Show fame) called
Anticipation. On this album, Black sticks to a theme that recalls how many things are quite disappointing compared to the actual anticipation of them. The anticipation of an event or a feeling you know is coming, he proposes, is always better than the actual occurrence. And when he touched on how this theory applies to recorded music, I understood completely:

"Boy-oh-boy, it’s a totally different experience – record albums – than from what we have now – CDs and digital downloads - because now it’s like, unbelievable! If you don’t like that piece of shit that you bought for 99 cents, you press a button – that fucker’s gone! Another song comes right the fuck on! No waiting! No fucking waiting! You can switch from an album to a fucking other album! Are you fucking kidding me? That’s a miracle! Everytime I push the button on the iPod and that happens, literally, the expression on my face, I believe, is exactly the same as primitive man when he first saw fire!

"Now, see, with a record album, if you wanted to change the song ‘cause you didn’t like the song, you had to
work! You had to get up - out of your chair - and walk across the entire living room to get to the 'record player'. And the 'record player' has a 'tone arm' with a needle in it. And then you’ve gotta take that and find the right 'groove' – and there are like, a billion of ‘em! Now, where the record would actually change and the next track would come up was a little bigger... but it’s still like performing surgery!"

And Black was right. There was something magical about the experience of listening to an album on 10-inch vinyl. The anticipation of getting to track three or four was completely abolished with the advent of digital music. "Click!" Next song! "Click!" Next album! We have totally destroyed our patience, and thus, our appreciation for the album as a unit of music. Get up? Get up and cross the room? I crossed city boarders and a highway to get an album! That's dedication! That's devotion! That's patience! And that is what makes an album worth it's price. So, when I saw that the new Guns N' Roses would be released on vinyl, I knew something was up in the music world at large. The winds were changing. "New music on old technology? Hmmm...," thought I, "What's going on here?" I gave it a shot and, low and behold, I'm diggin' it.

And upon further review, here are a few nerdy, technical, little facts about digital music that bury it even deeper: Sure, you can buy a song for 99 cents on iTunes nowadays, or a full album for around 10 bucks. But what you're getting is of a much lower quality. Yeah, it may sound pretty good coming through your computer speakers or iPod earbuds, but the fact is that the CD pressing that those songs came from would have given you the highest digital quality possible - and in the world of digital music, quality is measured in units of the volume of data transfered per second - kilobytes per second - or "kbps". A CD has each song recorded at a very high volume of data per second: 1411 kbps, which sounds amazing on a hi-fidelity sound system, even if it lacks the depth and breadth of sound - the "warmth" - that vinyl delivers. But when you log onto iTunes or otherwise download a song from the Internet, you're lookin' at getting an MP3 that's been "ripped" at 192 kbps or even 128 kbps. That's less than 10% of the raw data being transferred when compared to the actual CD quality. And the thing that bugs me about this is that iTunes will still charge you the regular price - be it $9.99 or $13.99, depending on the album - while only delivering 10% of the music product, not to mention a lack of packaging! We've been sold a bill of goods here people! Snake oil! And that is exactly why people steal music off the Internet - they're tired of being ripped off!

Well, we've come full circle. Vinyl to the rescue! Vinyl is worth the price. The new pressings of new and old albums (I recently picked up GN'R's "Appetite For Destruction" for $19.99 at Best Buy, but found it even cheaper among the much more vast selection available at Hot Topic, of all places!) are even superior when compared to the hay day of the LP record, from the 1940s thru the 1970s. New Premium 180+ Pure Virgin and Heavyweight 180 Gram vinyl sounds better than anything we've ever been sold in the past. It's sturdy, strong and less susceptible to damage, so your dollar goes further than ever. All you need is a turntable, a needle and a couple of good speakers. And beyond all that, when you buy a record album on vinyl, you've really got something! Not this little 4-inch CD in a plastic tray. You've got a big square fold out book, complete with either one disc, or now often two discs, and big art work! Something you can display in a frame if you want to - because people will be able to see it from across the room! No more little booklets. Sit down and unfold on your lap real gift from your favorite band - buy an LP!

Now, I'm certainly not going to toss out all my old CDs and I'm definitely not going to stop downloading music online. But I have decided that the real gems, the music that is priceless in and of itself, deserves to be heard on vinyl as often as possible. I owe it to myself to experience these songs this way. So shake your head at me and call me a nerdy "audiophile" if you must - I enjoy it. In fact, I kinda like being a little like those guys in the movie, "High Fidelity". I just gotta get me one of those cool little lint brushes for the records. Do they even sell those anymore?

******* UPDATE - April 27, 2009 ********

(Seeeee?  L.A. TIMES story)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Death To All Butt-Metal

I recently came across a little novelty "metal" tune called "Death To All But Metal" by an extremely novelty (and, therefore, not to be taken seriously - ever!) rock band calling themselves Steel Panther (much in the tradition of band names like Def Leppard, Bon Jovi or Judas Priest - all two-word names where each word has nothing to do with the next).

Now, I get it - they're a joke band. But the musicianship and the vocal capabilities were astounding! Here - have a listen...



And in case you're interested, the lyrics are here: (highlight text to reveal)
(WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT)

Fuck the Goo Goo Dolls, they can suck my balls
They look like the dorks that hang out at the mall
Eminem can suck it, so can Dr. Dre
They can suck each other just because they're gay

They can suck a dick, they can lick a sack
Everybody shout, "Heavy Metal's back!"
Death to all but metal!!

Death to Papa Roach, Blink 182
All those fucking pussies sounds like doggy doo
Wearing baggy pants, spiking up their hair
They're not worth the crust in my underwear

Where is Def Leppard? Where is Mötley Crüe?
Why does all my lyrics sound like Dr. Seuss?
Death to all but metal

Kills those fucking fuckheads who program MTV
They can suck my ass with all the record companies

Death to Britney Spears, kill the little slut
Kill Madonna too, and then fuck her in the butt
Fuck Maria Carey, death to Sheryl Crow
They can kiss each other on the camel toe
50 Cent's a fag, so is Kanye West
Shootin' hot sperm on each others chest
Death to all but metal!!


Okay, so... that may have been the most crude, disgusting song ever written. But I'm conflicted. Is this a parody? Or is it actual Rock N' Roll? I mean, the fact is, it's loud, it's brash, it's accusatory. It's straight and to the point - and it does have a point! It's angst from the hearts of some rock-purists who are sick and tired of "Jack FM" and VH1 - top 20 radio, iTunes, and what MTV has become. They're "takin' it back", so to speak. It's brash and offensive and vulgar and it rhymes! This is everything a really great hard rock song is supposed to be about.

And yet, I'm totally appalled and completely against this new style of "glib rock". It's a testament to the "dumbing down" of America's youth culture. I hate to sound like an old geezer here, but... back in my day, we had Public Enemy ("Bring Tha Noise", "Can't Truss It", "911 Is A Joke", "Don't Believe The Hype" and "Fight The Power"!) We had Aerosmith singing about teen molestation from the point of view of the victim, and Pearl Jam singing about adolescent violence to the point of murder in the classroom. Axl Rose gave us "November Rain" and "Estranged" - swirling,
orchestral epics which explored - not the concepts - but the very essences of isolation, disillusion and abandonment. These songs were powerful, dramatic and shocking, and yet they were poetic and beautiful at the same time.

Going back even further, we had Led Zeppelin singing about the mysticies of black magic and AC/DC ranting that "Rock n' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution". We had Twisted Sister screaming "We're Not Gonna Take It" and Queen chanting "We Will Rock You". Rock has always been aggressive and in-your-face (- that's why we like it!) And it just doesn't pull any punches - Rock always tells you how it feels and never apologizes for its cruel, impolite approach.

And yet, this....

This is "rock"? These are lyrics that would spew from the underdeveloped minds of the most dimwitted dolts in any 6th grade class in America. The band has no style of its own - they're entire shtick is to imitate the outrageous glam-metal look of the early 80s and bands like Poison and Motley Crue. They may have a point in their song, and they may be right on the money... but how about a little artistry, people? Is that too much to ask?

And my biggest fear is this: It's not just this band. It's all of today's "big" rock acts. I used to like Nickelback - they used to be a revival of those aforementioned old rock bands. But since The Viacom leviathan (MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon) got a hold of them, well... just listen to their new album, "Dark Horse"; it should have been called "No Risks". And that goes for all the bands making it out there today, with perhaps a few minor exceptions. The Jonas Brothers? Really? Kids are calling this rock? Or even "pop"!?! They give "pop" a bad name! Have you seen this Lady Gaga chick? The Plain White Tees? Shinedown? (Who, by the way, had completely sold out by time their 2nd album was released!) Seether? THE FRAY!?!?
For my purposes today, and with no irony lost on this writer, I shall refer to Steel Panther - and all of these "rock" bands - as "butt-metal".

I know, I'm complaining in much the same fashion that the singer of Steel Panther would. But my point is that even the best "rock" of today has absolutely NOTHING to offer - not the way "MY" music did. The 80s and 90s rock meant something. So much of it had depth and volume on a scope so magnificent, it wouldn't even be recognized in the industry if it were released today, amidst this garbage.

And so, I find myself boo-hooing like an aging rocker, wearing my Rage Against The Machine t-shirt, my flannel coat and worn-out Chuck Taylors, sitting in an old rocking chair, strumming a slow, amp-less rendition of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on a beat-up, old, second-rate electric guitar and yelling at the kids on my lawn that they're music is crap, much like the man who - when I was a kid - used to sit on his porch in a vintage Buffalo Springfield shirt from 1968, with a long red beard and a bandanna on his head, and a beat-up old acoustic guitar on his lap, strumming the chords to "The Times They Are A-Changing" and yelling at me that my music was crap. The circle of life, it seems, will continue.

But there is one beacon of light on the horizon. It seems that, with the advent of video game technology and the innate sense within the human spirit to seek out and ingest quality rock music, the gaming kids of today have been blessed with the likes of the "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band" games, not only exposing them to the sounds, but to the experience of some of rock n' roll's greatest accomplishments. Perhaps "Rock n' roll", as Brian Johnson proclaimed gleefully into a microphone and onto an 24-track recording suite back in 1979, "it will survive."

Monday, March 9, 2009

U2 - "Horizons" (and arguments about the existance of "Lines" upon them)

U2 has been a band for a very long time. Slowly but surely, they've become the new Rolling Stones - a sonic empire, filled with sights, sounds and flavors for all tastes, whose speeding bullet-train image builds upon itself again and again on a seemingly endless track into the future.

With their latest outing, the little band of mates from the Emerald Isle have released an effort that both confuses and delights. No Line On The Horizon, U2's 12th studio album in 28 years (yet only the 3rd this decade), finds them once again at a new peak of competence and confidence. Not since their phenomenal 1991 pop-rock bombshell, Achtung, Baby!, have U2 boasted with such angst, enthusiasm and optimism.

The opening title track hits a reset button on your ears by displaying a sonic experience not unfamiliar but still alien to U2 fans. The slate, having been wiped clean, is set for a track that sounds like the musical equivalent of a brilliant statue that has lain dormant in a block of marble for years until it was finally carved out by the only artist who could ever bring it to life. "Magnificent" is the kind of song we have always expected and wanted from this band. "Only love can leave such a mark," croons Bono in a romantic howl of a higher caliber than we've heard from him since the '90s, "...but only love can heal such a scar." It's an instant classic.

Without being as timeless and perfect, "Moment of Surrender" (whose lyrics seem to express the majesty within the act of surrender to a higher power) is this album's "One"; a down-tempo track both beautiful and melodic, yet brooding, bluesy, and passionate. It stands out undeniably amongst its peers and deserves it's spot in the first three tracks of the album. "I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight" is a poppy, bright and upbeat mid-tempo tune with a driving beat that leads to a predictable "U2-ish" chorus, but is definitely catchy and never without its charm. The first single from the album, "Get On Your Boots" is a fuzz-boxed rocker with an electrified flamenco chorus, and has met with less-than-favorable reviews from almost everyone I've talked with about it... but I still enjoy it! It stands alone as the only piece of overt-but-meaningless sugar-rock supplanted firmly in the middle of the album purely as a fun song.

But it's the quirky, competent and inspired composition, "Stand Up Comedy", which strikes at the heart of what every U2 fan has been waiting for with this new album. With some of Bono's better lyrics to date, ("I gotta stand up to ego but my ego’s not really the enemy / It’s like a small child crossing an eight lane highway on a voyage of discovery" and "God is love and love is evolution's very best day"), "Stand Up Comedy" does not disappoint.

As the album begins to wrap things up, the listener is slammed with one of the cooler songs in the band's entire library. "Breathe" is almost entirely unlike anything we've ever heard from U2, and it's a pleasure! Bono raps his lyrics as two characters - a door-to-door evangelical and his cynical prey. "Coming from a long line of traveling salespeople on my mother's side, I wasn't gonna buy just anyone's cockatoo..." the narrator tells us before informing the man at his door that: "there's nothing you have that I need" and further declaring, "I can breathe." For my money, there has never been a more beauteous and enjoyable song about finding grace where it isn't being sold. "We are people borne of sound/The songs are in our eyes/Gonna wear them like a crown".

Then again, the album does have some valleys in between all these peaks. "Unknown Caller", although not a complete disappointment, simply bores me with a monotone, irregular chorus and lyrics that sound as if a computer program had written them. Even if I'm missing the message of this song, the performance sure didn't save it for me. "FEZ-Being Born" (although a great song) is a more sonic experience, both lyrically-minimal (or lazy) and easily skipped, and "White As Snow" is just a sleepy, little ballad - nothing much happening there. But the closing track, "Cedars of Lebanon" is very reminiscent of the experimental sounds the band had tinkered with in the '80s and early '90s (with N.L.O.T.H. producers, Brian Eno, Daniel Lanois and Steve Lillywhite), and is a dark and serious ode to war and poverty through the eyes of a foreign news corespondent - a very cool ending to a great album.

No Line On The Horizon is one of U2's best albums simply because it feels as if they've gotten a certain groove back that had been missing for over a decade. If you're a fan, you'll love this album. If you're not, you'll still enjoy about half the songs.

Although the future is curious for U2, one thing does seem certain - they have absolutely no intention of ever stopping; they will continue to progress and evolve as a band as as a musical statement on the face of Rock & Roll. They may have been slowing down in their aged-rocker years (all members fast-approaching 50), but it's easy to tell they want to ride this train until the very end. And if the Stones are still doing it, who knows how long U2 can go?


(P.S. - In case you missed it, U2 was on The Late Show with David Letterman all last week - 5 days of performances and a few goofy skits.
Check it out here.)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Didja catch Fallon last night?

So, Conan's gone, and Jimmy Fallon is the new host of "Late Night," also following in the footsteps of the great David Letterman.  Here are my thoughts:

The show opened with a funny little sketch in the dressing room as Jimmy is psyching himself up in the mirror and is told he's about to go on.  The camera then adjusts to reveal Conan O'Brien in plain clothes packing up boxes for his move to L.A.  The two have a very cold banter before Jimmy asks Conan, "So, that's how it's gonna be, huh?"

"Yeah," Conan says with a complacent tone.  "That's exactly how it's gonna be!"

Cut to the opening titles for "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" - Jimmy's running through the streets of New York as the camera flashes around wildly, cutting angles like mad, all to the driving beat of house band, The Roots, who have adjusted their raucous "Here I Come" to fit the theme of "Late Night".

After that, Jimmy Fallon comes out for a pretty much atrociously painful monologue.  There were some good jokes in there, but Jimmy is WAY too uptight and nervous to look like he's having any fun out there.  And when we're squirming right along with him, it's just no fun for us, either.  But at the end of the monologue, Jimmy busts out with a bit called "Slow Jamming The News", where he discusses the passage of the US Economy Stimulus Bill through Congress all to the swanky, sexy rhythms of The Roots and the sultry, bluesy crooning of emcee Tariq "Black Thought" Trotter.  Now, that was funny.



After a commercial break, Jimmy played a really stupid and pointless game with three members of the audience called "Lick It For Ten", in which each audience member was given ten dollars to lick a lawn mower, a copy machine or a fish bowl.  That's it.  They each licked an object and Jimmy gave them each a ten-spot out of his wallet.  Pretty lame.

And after another break, Jimmy welcomed his first guest, acclaimed film actor Robert DeNiro.  A pretty impressive first guest, you'd think.  But the way Bobby just sat there, looking bored or maybe even embarrassed, made for some pretty tense - and not so funny - television.  He wasn't there to promote any new film or anything, so Jimmy was left to just do his impression of the aging actor while he cracked himself up... and few else.  But DeNiro did show some life when they ran the clip of a fictitious movie he and Jimmy had "done together" called "Space Train".  That part was kinda funny.

Then Justin Timberlake came out, gave Jimmy the welcoming gift of a signed photo of Barry Gibb, and proceeded to save the show.  This was probably the best part  since Jimmy and Justin play so well off each other.  They sang an impromptu, appropriately-altered "Barry Gibb Talk Show" theme song together (The Roots jumped in perfectly for this), and Justin went on to do impersonations of John Mayer and Michael McDonald singing about Bud Light Lime; all very funny.



But that's the thing; Jimmy mentioned that their green room was "sponsored" by Bud Light Lime. ("How metro of you," commented Timberlake.)  But why?  Is this really going to be one of those fully-product-placement-laced live shows that gets so annoying with the constant references to some commercial product (like the lawn mower and copy machine, the brands and prices of which were also mentioned) that it just makes me wanna turn the TV off and go to bed?  I hope they don't have to keep this up for long.

Then Van Morrison sang some boring old song and everything ended.  Overall, a pretty rocky start to want may end up being a good show.  I'm one of the few people left who still likes Jimmy Fallon, but I certainly have my doubts about him filling such big shoes as his predecessors and am instantly reminded of one miserable case of "The Chevy Chase Show".  

One of the best things the show has going for it, however, is the amazingly tight and ridiculously hip (by Late Night standards) house band, The Roots.  They are gonna bring the house down every single night and make Carson Daly's house band look like a bunch of pre-teens on recorders and piano-horns.

Let's hope it's just one or two shaky seasons here, like Conan had back in the mid-90s when he started out, and I hope to see him develop his skills and show the world that he's really not just some annoying, worn-out-before-his-time, one-trick-SNL-pony.  Tina Fey is on tonight - I'll definitely be watching that one.